It’s Not All Doom and Gloom

So the past few days have been good… I mean, better. I took Zariah to her first live show (In The Night Garden) , was out and about in the sun, and didn’t spend too much time dwelling on the physiotherapists comments. Just a better weekend in general. Plus Zariah is crazy smiley, so you don’t really get much time to be sad.

I take my comments from my last post back though, about my mum. Turns out she’s amazing (God knows why I sound surprised). I told her about the results of Zariah’s GMFM assessment (the test therapists do to predict whether children will be able to walk independently), and we had a good old cry but we talked it out. She gave me great advice, and to be honest, it just felt nice to open up. Obviously, it’s a major deal and sometimes I still get teary about it, but the brain isn’t an exact science, so I’ve still got hope. I could NEVER give up on my daughter anyways, like eww, what even is that? If I haven’t got her who will?

Anyways, onto less depressing topics. I took Zariah to Hackney Empire today. Zariah enjoyed it, screaming at all the characters and what not, but legit there are some really nasty intolerable parents in this world. We’ve all paid for our seats, but we had a spare seat because Zariah can’t sit down on her own so she just sits on my lap. I kept Zariah’s bag and the souvenirs and stuff on the spare seat, and the seats next to that were occupied by another family. Zariah was excited, as you are when there’s a life sized Iggle Piggle jumping around the stage in front of you, and the place was full of excited babies and toddlers, so as you can imagine, it was a little noisy in there. Zariah screamed with excitement when the intro song came on, and she dropped her cup on the floor (her EMPTY cup). Next thing you know, this stubby little impatient man literally picks up his child in a huff, mumbles some nonsense under his breath and storms off! What the hell? Everyone was just looking around at him making a scene, whilst he literally dragged his toddler to go and stand elsewhere, where they remained standing for the duration of the whole show. I mean it doesn’t exactly hurt me, cos Lord knows I’m too big and lazy to be carrying Zariah standing up for an hour, but why so extra? Why make a scene? That’s not even a disability thing, just about having a little patience in general? The place is full of happy kids, if that makes you so angry there are other places you could be. Wanna be miserable? Go watch an Arsenal game or something, don’t bring that energy here. Butttttt, nevertheless, Zariah had an amazing time and it was really nice to get out in the sun.

Anyways, this late night thing needs to disappear because when Zariah wakes up bright and early at 7 something tomorrow, I’m going to feel like death. I just thought to continue the writing because it honestly made me feel much better after the other day, and I also didn’t want to portray parenting my beautiful girl as a constant struggle. She’s the most playful, happy girl and honestly being around her is a joy, but it is a lot, for anyone, and nobody tells you how low the lows can be sometimes. Anyways, onto better things, Zariah’s here for a purpose, and this is all part of God’s plan. We’ve got appointments every single day of the week this week so praying for a more productive week than the last.

Have a prosperous week guys.

P.S. Also, if anyone with (or without) kids, knows of any events or activities in and around London for toddlers and babies, give us a shout. Really trying to get out with Zariah more. Got into the habit of hiding away indoors, but don’t want to isolate my girl from the rest of the world just because she’s not able to do everything that other kids can. Sooo yeah, hit me up! Love xxx

And We Move…

So today, well yesterday now (31st May 2019), I was told that my daughter will never walk. How do you receive that blow? Like what is the next response? I look down at my beautiful girl Zariah, who is having the time of her life playing with these funnily shaped building blocks, and she has no clue. She’s completely oblivious, whilst her physiotherapist is explaining to me that she won’t be able to do any of the things you wish for your child. I don’t even know how to feel.

This is the first time I’ve actually said it since the appointment. I haven’t told my mum, my aunts, her dad, or my boyfriend (yes, they’re two different people). I don’t even think I’ve properly digested it. When the lady told me, I played it cool as hell, expression was blank and I just went on like I was expecting it. I definitely wasn’t, but I wanted to prepare for the worst cos I’ve been in that position before where you’re overly hopeful, and believe me, the let-down is e p i c. I didn’t want to expose myself to heartbreak or disappointment if the results weren’t what I was hoping for, but that’s exactly what’s happened and that’s exactly how I feel right now. Heartbroken. My chest is hurting. My spirit literally feels broken and I feel alone. You ever been surrounded by such a great support system but feel completely and utterly alone? Deadass by myself, crying in bed. It’s 3.17 in the morning and my daughter is asleep beside me, just being perfect. I even feel selfish sitting here talking about how I feel, when my daughter is the one with the life-limiting condition. She struggles everyday to do things that everyone else wouldn’t even think twice about. How is that fair? My daughter is suffering life long consequences as a result of someone else’s mistake. I try to stay faithful and I pray everyday, but why would God do that to her? To me?

My daughter is 2 years, 4 months and 4 days old (I legit just googled that). She is a GORGEOUS soul, she’s happy and she’s mine. She’s my best friend, my motivator, my literal heartbeat and my guardian angel. If you know what kind of a life I was living before her.. I was just lost, and she’s just given me purpose. I’m a new person thanks to her. I probably should have done introductions beforehand, but honestly I just started writing this because I needed an outlet. I haven’t told my mum about today’s appointment because I just don’t think I want to hear the typical Nigerian/African response just brushing the physio’s comments off. “She’s fine, you just need to pray more, open holy water, these people don’t know what they’re saying – she will walk”. I know my mum doesn’t mean to at all, but when she gives advice, she just makes me feel like I’m not doing enough. It’s hard as it is, I don’t want to feel like I’m failing.

Ooo, & just like that, the tears are back.

My daughter has cerebral palsy, as a result of mistakes made by medical professionals at birth, and honestly, I think that makes it even harder to digest. If things were done properly, would I even be here? Life would just be so different, Zariah would be active, and included in things, and speaking and achieving Lord knows what else. But she’s not. She’s being kicked out of a nursery she has been at since 4 months, because they “can’t cater for her anymore” and she’s excluded from practically every activity that her peers are doing because of her physical limitations. Oh no mate. Not my child. She will be accepted, loved, valued and nurtured by force by bloody fire. I think I’ve just gone over about 8 moods in the past 20 seconds, so I think that’s my cue to hit the hay, but this writing thing was therapeutic. I doubt anyone is gonna read this, especially cos I probably won’t share it, but if you are, thanks for reading and goodnight x